So, these two can no longer known as Simpleton and Templeton, Shamrock and Pumpkin, Dingle and Dongle, Allan and Alex, Dipshit and Fatass or whatever other fan names I, DKvine, or anyone else ever had for them. Reason being, Chris Seavor told me what they're canon names are: Bill (the tall one) and Bob (the tubby one). He's pretty nice to be putting up with my nonsense, as I'm always afraid I'm annoying him, yet he replies to my tweets like 80% of the time. I really didn't wanna bug him with that question, buuut I both really wanted to know and wanted to share this picture with him, so I did the latter. I found the opportunity to ask while being relevant when he replied with "You love those two weasels don't you ? i can tell " Great, now some English guy who makes games is aware that some girl somewhere in America is obsessed with a pair of very minor characters from a game that he made fifteen years ago. Ha. Hahaha. HAHAHA. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
But anyway, my stupid self's weird special interest aside, Bill and Bob sure do baffle me. They're presented as being really dumb (well, mostly Bill), yet they must be talented if they are able to retrieve Conker's dead from half the places Conker dies in. Him passing out or dying during one of the boss fights is fair enough, since his body is just laying there in some place they could easily fetch it without being harmed. But has anyone ever sat down and thought about that part after the first boss where you could get electrocuted in the water if you don't cut those wires quickly enough? I know Conker's body is still conveniently floating there, but wouldn't one get electrocuted themselves among touching his wet, likely still sparking body? Then there's the underwater blades... I suppose one could just say they're good enough at swimming to be able to dodge the blades, but it's still incredibly risky... And don't get me started on the lava in the Ugga Bugga chapter.
When do these two finally give up? Well, I haven't seen it for myself, but I was told you get a game over without a Panther King cutscene when you die in the Spooky chapter. That makes sense, as I feel like after all the shit they've probably had to endure chasing Conker around for a day, they finally drew the line at zombies. Either that, or by that point, Don Weaso was aware of Conker and the fact that the Panther King needed him. So Weaso, a more competent worker than our two friends here, was hired to get the job done and Bill and Bob were called back to the castle to be punished for their failure. The heist plan was being prepared and set into motion while these two were left to guard the castle by themselves, likely considering trying to run off or wishing the king would just die. It makes me kind of sad, actually. I feel bad for them. It makes me feel even worse when I remember what the premise of Other Bad Day was and that Conker had proven to be so bad a king that he had to be executed right away. I just want these two to be happy. Get out of the castle, find lovers, settle down, start families or get well-paying jobs as nurses or chimney sweeps or something. I feel like the only reason they've never attempt to leave is because they don't feel confident enough to live on their own. Or maybe they did try to leave once and it ended horribly for them. I like to think they know Don Weaso and he's the one that caught and returned them to the Panther King if they did try to run away.
I care so much more about these two than I should.
Conker's Bad Fur Day is copyright Rareware and Microsoft